On Distractions

I've been an infertility patient for 15 months now, and they have undoubtedly been the hardest of my life. Sometimes I beat myself up for feeling this way- for letting this enormous failure overshadow all the happy things. I went to Europe for three weeks late last spring; 11 whirlwind stops in Italy, Austria & Germany. I married the love of my life in a tiny backyard ceremony- on the same day that very good friends of ours welcomed their much anticipated first child! We bought our first house, a little bungalow that I adore. I went west this winter, and visited some of my very closest friends in San Francisco and Portland! Why can't I focus on these things? Well, because we want a baby- and I'm terrified that my body won't cooperate.

I remember distinctly the day (about six months ago) when I stumbled across a well written article on resolve.org that dealt with this very issue. The author stressed the importance of understanding and accepting that infertility is a crisis- one with no clear end in sight. That you can't bully yourself into snapping out of it, or being normal- that the best you can do is find a balance. Really accepting this as true has made a tremendous difference for me.

Key strategies for sanity have been to limit the amount of time I spend online researching and talking to people about fertility everyday. My friends might scratch their head at this, but I promise that I do actually TRY to talk about other things with you!

The past two months I've also gone out of my way to do things when I know I'm not pregnant that I wouldn't be able to do if I was. Does it take away the sting of disappointment? Hell no. But it does distract me. The month before last it was a nice date day centered around eating a bunch of sushi (I seriously love me some raw fish) and this month it was taking my little brother to a waterpark and doing a bunch of slides. They were both very nice days, where for a brief time I felt "normal."

Since I'm not rich- I can't spend all my days at amusement parks or sushi joints. Here's a list of my go-to distractions when I need to not think about all this stuff for awhile;

1.) Hanging out with friends. Pretty self explanatory. I find it much harder to obsess, fret, and worry about getting pregnant when I'm with other people. Oddly, and happily enough- this goes for hanging out with my friends that are new parents too. I really, really hope I never get to the point where being around babies is upsetting to me.

2.) Exercise. I walk 4 miles a day, and go to the gym to use the elliptical 5 days a week. I listen to ridiculous hip-hop music and daydream about crazy things that I refuse to admit to here. Even once the exercise is over, I find that I am able to be in a more positive and relaxed state of mind and I feel more in control.

3.) Reading. I read a lot of non-fiction- particularly true crime, biographies, stuff related to various monarchies throughout history. I also read....oh man am I going admit this? I guess so. I read fanfiction. It's bloody awful writing a lot of the time, but I akin it to chick flicks for lots of women. I appreciate that there is always a happy ending, wrapped up in a neat little package. Also, I can read it on my phone- which is handy since I nanny and often have time to kill while my charge is napping. 

4.) The Boston Red Sox. Some things never change, and in spite of all I've gone through, I'm still a sports nut. I watch every single game, and I yell at the TV. My husband reminds me that I have to kick this habit before we have kids, so I don't wake them up. Somehow I don't think I will struggle to remember that we have a baby in the house, dear.

5.) Project Runway. Say what? Admittedly, a clothes horse I am not. I am a jeans and hoodie girl and would have gotten married in my pajamas if I thought I could get away with it. But I seriously love this show- and I own seasons 4 through 8. When I'm having a crappy day, I curl up on the couch and watch hours and hours. I'm not usually a reality TV kinda girl, but there is something about how talented they all are and the zany challenges that just does it for me.

6.) Bones. My other favorite TV show. Until this past season, was blissfully a baby-free zone for me. Murder and funny one-liners...sexual chemistry. What more could a girl ask for? My husband also enjoys this show, so that is a plus. 

Until next time,

Grace