On Time

We're well over the two year mark in our infertility battle. People say things get easier with time, and maybe that's true. At the very least, your coping strategies become well practiced. Taking charge of my health, has done a lot to alleviate the out-of-control feelings of helplessness that I imagine most infertile couples experience.

I've reached my goal weight and body fat percentage, and I'm feeling good about my body and it's ability to grow our miracle. We've got a couple trips on deck for the rest of the summer, so IVF will begin the second week in September. 

I have more far more good days than bad days, though I can't say I ever go more than a few hours without thinking about all of this. My mother-in-law gave me an article that suggested it's several years AFTER there is some sort of resolution to the infertility crisis before a woman doesn't feel it's part of her primary identity. 

I feel like this journey has cost me friendships, ones that were important. People I maybe relied on too heavily during the hardest part so far, or people who are just made uncomfortable by it. Will those relationships be salvageable when this is finally over? It's hard to say. I've learned a lot about keeping things to myself, and being truly emotionally independent.   

I don't have much to say here, I guess. I can't wait to be a mother. I can't wait to have a family with my amazing husband. I say I can't wait,but I have to- and I don't know for how much longer. If IVF isn't successful, it could be years before we complete the adoption process. There is fear and excitement and grief and joy all at the same time. But there is also peace, a peace that wasn't there even six months ago but has settled into my bones and comforts me. And I'm grateful for that. It can be hard to find things to be grateful about when you are in crisis for over two years. When the universe tells you no over and over again. It changes you, and you worry that you will become hard and bitter. But overall, I'm softer- more compassionate. More humble. More honest with myself and with others. And more able to appreciate each moment for what it is- fleeting and imperfect and my story.

On Defeat

18 months. That is how long we've been doing this, tomorrow. I've read that I would know when I couldn't take it anymore. And up until a couple days ago I couldn't imagine getting to that point, giving up. It felt selfish, short-sighted etc....

I don't know what changed. Nothing monumental. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of being disappointed, of feeling estranged from everyone because they don't understand what we're going through. I'm tired of not having money to pay bills because I spent it all on treatment. I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

Two more cycles or the end of the year, whichever comes first and then I'm done. At least till we can afford IVF or to adopt.

I hate feeling like a quitter.

Until next time,

G

On Birthdays

I didn't marry the guy who has an elaborate plan or surprise for a birthday. I did marry the guy who, upon realizing that his wife is slightly miffed because he worked late on her special day, hastily attempts to bake his first cake ever. 

He didn't marry the prettiest girl he's ever dated, but he did marry one smart enough to know that next year she will just tell him that she wants to go out to sushi. And that there is no sense in telling him the cake kinda tasted like cornbread.

On Numbers

On Love and Migraines

My husband is amazing. He didn't give me a shiny rock when he asked me to be his wife, he has bought me flowers maybe twice in the last six years. But when I have a pounding headache that seems dangerously close to migraine territory and I'm crying because I can't take my  medication during the two week wait, he lies quietly with me and draws circles on my back. To feel so loved at your lowest moments, who could ask for anything more?

On Fall, Follicles and other F words.

I've recently made a concerted effort to limit my screen time, which has resulted in considerable radio silence here on the blog. Already I've let enough time lapse that I'm sitting here wondering where to begin, but here is my best effort at an update.

So last Tuesday was my follicle check ultrasound, and it was a disappointment. One ovary didn't respond at all to the 150 mg of Clomid- and the other's "lead" follicle was just .9 mm. You need 1.6 minimum to trigger. I was admittedly skeptical on the timing of the ultrasound, CD 13, since the (only freaking) two times I've confirmed ovulation it was on CD18. After some pleading I convinced my doctor to check again on Thursday morning, but I could tell as I left that she was pretty convinced it would prove to be a waste of time. 

I drank an inordinate amount of water, and took the supplement (myo-inositol) that some studies have suggested help increase oocyte size and quality in women with PCOS. And I visualized going in, looking at that screen and seeing a bigger follicle. Cheesy? Maybe. But studies suggest that positive visualization can actually be a powerful tool. Besides, you could tell me to sit in a tree and sing the alphabet in french and if you could show me even anecdotal evidence it would help me get knocked up....I'd probably do it.

Well, SOMETHING worked. That sucker grew, and faster than studies say it was "supposed" to in two days. It was 1.6 mm, an adequate size for trigger. I was SO excited! My doctor was surprised, and suddenly much more positive and upbeat about my prospects with the trigger. The timing was a little crazy, sure- I mean I was due to get on a plane in a few hours to spend a long weekend with my in-laws and was about to undergo a treatment that may or may not make me vomit and nothing says sexy time like being sick to your stomach in your in-law's guestroom but.... I'm sorry, what did you say? Could you repeat that? What do you mean there isn't any Ovridel in this town and the soonest you could get it here would be 24 hours?

No, I'm not kidding. I swear. I'm just that girl! I couldn't bring myself to disappoint my in-laws and cancel the trip. I tried to focus on the positive overall message, which was that one ovary responded to the stimulation and could possibly be triggered next cycle. And there is a decent chance that the follicle popped out on its own. Mostly, I've succeeded in maintaining that focus. There were just a few F words that flew out as I drove away from that appointment. I'm sure studies suggest that's healthy once in a while, right?

It's fall here now. My favorite time of the year. Woodstove/quilt/hoodie/apple cider weather. I'm resolved to make sure I enjoy it, to choose happiness instead of sadness in spite of what we face. I do believe it can be a choice.

Until next time,

Grace Elizabeth

On Being A Family (Of Five)

I was raised Christian, and married by a minister, but I will admit to not being terribly religious. I do consider myself very spiritual, with some components of religion thrown in there- my own special cocktail. There have been times in the past year and a half that my faith has seriously wavered. Good things happen to good people? I wasn't so sure anymore. I'd always liked the idea that people I'd loved and lost were watching out for me from up above. What grandpa, you don't think I'd make a good mom? What gives? Despite my best efforts to be positive and handle this ordeal with as much serenity as possible- there have been times that I have straight up been angry at God/The Universe/Cosmic Muffin/Whatever Works For You for not delivering the miracle we so badly want.

On Friday August 26th at around 7:30 in the morning, my 13 year old brother and one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me, was rolled out of his hospital room and into surgery to remove a very large tumor resting on his optic nerve. Having succeeded in putting on a brave, optimistic face for him in the two days leading up to the procedure that we spent in the hospital- I finally fell apart as he disappeared from view. My baby brother was having brain surgery. I sobbed and sobbed, and told God that my brother and his surgical team could have all my miracles.

And then I pulled myself together, and went down to breakfast in the cafeteria. Because that's how I was raised, that's how this family works. We keep moving forward, putting on brave smiles. As I sat around the table with my sister and parents, I reflected on how much Harry has changed out family. A mid-life "surprise" for my parents, he's nearly 15 years younger than me so naturally much of my childhood was spent as a family of four. Would we still go on family vacation together every year? Would we still spend all of our holidays together? Or would other priorities shift to the top? Would I have come home from California and gotten together with my now-husband if I didn't have a little brother telling me he really, really missed me and wanted me to come back?

The five hours that he was in surgery actually went by quicker than I expected them to. I sat with my family in the surgical waiting room for awhile after breakfast, and then wandered back to Harry's room for some alone time. Just when I was finally wondering why the promised updates during surgery hadn't come, and feeling like I might vomit imagining why that might be, his nurse came in and told me that he was being "stitched-up" and would be back in the room in 20 minutes. 

The next 48 hours were tough. The procedure went perfectly, Harry spiked a tiny fever that first night but other than that had zero complications. He didn't wake up blind, which was a risk. But he was miserable. He'd been so positive and upbeat about the whole ordeal going in, but was dismayed when he came to and realized that he was actually in much worse pain than he was pre-surgery. We took turns reading aloud to him, and that was when he seemed the most comfortable. Familial nerves frayed a little as we all worried, and wondered how we could fix it for him. For a short while he was convinced that he was dying, and we were keeping it from him, and that was the low point for me. 

Have you ever heard of someone having brain surgery on a Friday and going home on Monday? Me either. But somehow, that is exactly what happened. Late Monday evening the option was presented to my parents in front of Harry, go home tonight or in the morning. Needless to say, my sleep-deprived parents deserve some sort of medal for packing up in record time and making the journey back home on the fly. And my brother was perhaps the happiest person ever to be sleeping in his own bed that night.

There's so much more to say about this experience, and I'm sort of overwhelmed trying to adequately document all that happened and how I feel about all of it. We were so supported by our community of friends and family, and I truly believe all the prayers and positive thoughts helped us all get through it. We got the pathology report back on Wednesday, and it confirmed that he doesn't need any further treatment. His eyesight is compromised, and we don't know that if that is caused by pressure that should alleviate in the next 6 to 8 weeks- or if this is something he'll have to learn to live with. 

But he's alive, and he's my miracle.

Until next time,

Grace