On Time

We're well over the two year mark in our infertility battle. People say things get easier with time, and maybe that's true. At the very least, your coping strategies become well practiced. Taking charge of my health, has done a lot to alleviate the out-of-control feelings of helplessness that I imagine most infertile couples experience.

I've reached my goal weight and body fat percentage, and I'm feeling good about my body and it's ability to grow our miracle. We've got a couple trips on deck for the rest of the summer, so IVF will begin the second week in September. 

I have more far more good days than bad days, though I can't say I ever go more than a few hours without thinking about all of this. My mother-in-law gave me an article that suggested it's several years AFTER there is some sort of resolution to the infertility crisis before a woman doesn't feel it's part of her primary identity. 

I feel like this journey has cost me friendships, ones that were important. People I maybe relied on too heavily during the hardest part so far, or people who are just made uncomfortable by it. Will those relationships be salvageable when this is finally over? It's hard to say. I've learned a lot about keeping things to myself, and being truly emotionally independent.   

I don't have much to say here, I guess. I can't wait to be a mother. I can't wait to have a family with my amazing husband. I say I can't wait,but I have to- and I don't know for how much longer. If IVF isn't successful, it could be years before we complete the adoption process. There is fear and excitement and grief and joy all at the same time. But there is also peace, a peace that wasn't there even six months ago but has settled into my bones and comforts me. And I'm grateful for that. It can be hard to find things to be grateful about when you are in crisis for over two years. When the universe tells you no over and over again. It changes you, and you worry that you will become hard and bitter. But overall, I'm softer- more compassionate. More humble. More honest with myself and with others. And more able to appreciate each moment for what it is- fleeting and imperfect and my story.